Bloodrayne - DJ
Let me just start off by saying that this movie is terrible. It’s so terrible that it managed to get me motivated out of my laziness to write another review after 4 months. I knew going into this movie that it had to be pretty bad. I mean the combination of being directed by Uwe Boll and being pulled from almost every theater in the area the night before its premiere just says awful. I decided this was a movie I had to see.
Where do I start? How about the acting. None of the actors or actresses in this movie are actually that bad at acting, but about 5 minutes in I started suspecting that they may have actually been computer generated and voiced by an old Macintosh with its brilliant speech abilities (think 1980’s talking computers). I mean seriously, this was Chuck Norris bad. Not only does the script not account for contractions in the English language, but it almost sounds like the Michael Madsen in particular has never spoken without them. I think he actually may have just been drunk the whole time. Michelle Rodriguez seemed completely confused as to where she was and why she wasn’t playing the most badass chick in the movie. Ben Kingsley….oh Ben Kingsley....my theory on his acting in this movie is that he was actually asleep for the whole time and they just painted his eyeballs on the outside of his eyelids. I think the Romanian prostitutes that Uwe Boll hired to sit around Meatloaf naked did a better job acting than a single one of the actors or actresses in the movie. Really, watching Natalie Portman in any of the Star Wars movies was more bearable than this.
As far as the rest of the movie, I’m not really sure what the plot was as I was so distracted by the terrible lines and the impressiveness of how terrible of a performance Uwe Boll gets from his “performers.” All I know is that at least the fight scenes had plenty of blood and gore. This was an improvement over Ultraviolet at least. Unfortunately it doesn’t seem as if any of the actors had more than maybe 10 minutes worth of practice with the fight choreography. I think if they had given me a sword and thrown me out there I could have been just as believable….and by that I mean not at all. I felt like I was watching the two children outside Revenge of the Sith with their plastic lightsabers (which mysteriously broke and ended up in the trash can). The amount of gore was the only entertaining part, but quite frankly the amount of it reminds me of the geyser of blood in Army of Darkness. It was incredibly ridiculous. As if the flashing between beheadings, axe dismemberments, and geysers flowing from everyone’s chest wasn’t enough, at the end of the movie, for some reason Rayne sits down and thinks about everything that’s happened so far. This to the watcher just means they make a compilation of the goriest scenes and replay them all in slow motion. I finally couldn’t hold in the laughter anymore. As if the 3 guys chopping what’s left of a theoretically still alive guys organs wasn’t funny enough the first time (with random geysers of blood coming from random areas), there’s just no holding in the stupid laughter of seeing it again in slow motion.
As a horror film this gets one star, but I’m also going to give it three stars for excessive blood and gore. Overall enjoyment I’ll (look, a contraction!) give a mere one star. In the end I’d say the movie could have just shown the summary from the end and perhaps the ridiculously misplaced scene of Rayne getting her shirt ripped open and you really wouldn’t have missed anything. In fact, I think it would have made the movie better in that it would have been reduced to nudity and excessive gore with no form of dialogue whatsoever. Maybe I’ll recut the film that way and post it on YouTube.
Horror: *
Excessive Blood and Gore: ***
Overall: *
Where do I start? How about the acting. None of the actors or actresses in this movie are actually that bad at acting, but about 5 minutes in I started suspecting that they may have actually been computer generated and voiced by an old Macintosh with its brilliant speech abilities (think 1980’s talking computers). I mean seriously, this was Chuck Norris bad. Not only does the script not account for contractions in the English language, but it almost sounds like the Michael Madsen in particular has never spoken without them. I think he actually may have just been drunk the whole time. Michelle Rodriguez seemed completely confused as to where she was and why she wasn’t playing the most badass chick in the movie. Ben Kingsley….oh Ben Kingsley....my theory on his acting in this movie is that he was actually asleep for the whole time and they just painted his eyeballs on the outside of his eyelids. I think the Romanian prostitutes that Uwe Boll hired to sit around Meatloaf naked did a better job acting than a single one of the actors or actresses in the movie. Really, watching Natalie Portman in any of the Star Wars movies was more bearable than this.
As far as the rest of the movie, I’m not really sure what the plot was as I was so distracted by the terrible lines and the impressiveness of how terrible of a performance Uwe Boll gets from his “performers.” All I know is that at least the fight scenes had plenty of blood and gore. This was an improvement over Ultraviolet at least. Unfortunately it doesn’t seem as if any of the actors had more than maybe 10 minutes worth of practice with the fight choreography. I think if they had given me a sword and thrown me out there I could have been just as believable….and by that I mean not at all. I felt like I was watching the two children outside Revenge of the Sith with their plastic lightsabers (which mysteriously broke and ended up in the trash can). The amount of gore was the only entertaining part, but quite frankly the amount of it reminds me of the geyser of blood in Army of Darkness. It was incredibly ridiculous. As if the flashing between beheadings, axe dismemberments, and geysers flowing from everyone’s chest wasn’t enough, at the end of the movie, for some reason Rayne sits down and thinks about everything that’s happened so far. This to the watcher just means they make a compilation of the goriest scenes and replay them all in slow motion. I finally couldn’t hold in the laughter anymore. As if the 3 guys chopping what’s left of a theoretically still alive guys organs wasn’t funny enough the first time (with random geysers of blood coming from random areas), there’s just no holding in the stupid laughter of seeing it again in slow motion.
As a horror film this gets one star, but I’m also going to give it three stars for excessive blood and gore. Overall enjoyment I’ll (look, a contraction!) give a mere one star. In the end I’d say the movie could have just shown the summary from the end and perhaps the ridiculously misplaced scene of Rayne getting her shirt ripped open and you really wouldn’t have missed anything. In fact, I think it would have made the movie better in that it would have been reduced to nudity and excessive gore with no form of dialogue whatsoever. Maybe I’ll recut the film that way and post it on YouTube.
Horror: *
Excessive Blood and Gore: ***
Overall: *
posted by DJ | 1:14 PM
1 Comments:
Long time fan... first time poster... (and, I guess, reader). Just wanted to say hi, and that I miss your brilliant movie ramblings. Go get some cubed cheese.
Take it easy bros...
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