Trapped in the Closet - Fargus

I had heard whisperings of R. Kelly’s magnum opus for some time now, but I never had enough interest in the man, or in anything about him, to find out what it was all about. A couple of weekends ago, a friend happened to produce the DVD, and I sat for forty minutes, mesmerized by what was unfolding before me on screen.

Trapped in the Closet consists of twelve separate chapters which, taken together, form the beginning (that’s right, twelve chapters and it’s not even close to done) of one cohesive, ongoing plot.. And believe me, in conjunction with this production, I use the word “cohesive” quite lightly. Each chapter is sung by R. Kelly (narration, all the characters, everything) while actors portray the people about whom Kells (that’s what he likes to call himself) is singing. So let’s go through the major elements:

• The music is bad. It doesn’t change at all, through forty whole minutes. There are no themes when certain characters come onto the screen, and the one cadence that makes up the whole epic isn’t really very catchy, even cut off at three minutes.
• The lyrics are bad. When Kells attempts to rhyme, he fails miserably. Therefore, he rarely attempts to rhyme. The last four lines of the first chapter end with the words “the closet.” You can tell that Kells feels that this emphasizes his point in a significant way, but nothing could be further from the truth. The lyrics are lazy, uncreative, and just plain bad.
• The acting is bad. Nobody really looks like they’re into it terribly much, and Kells’ dual performance (as both the narrator and Sylvester, the main character) is arguably the worst. I’d say that the actors do the best they could do with the material that they’re given, but the material is so terrible that I can’t even hope to assess whether or not that’s true.
• The characterization is bad. People act completely out of character throughout Trapped in the Closet. A man released from prison only hours ago begs Sylvester to let him shoot a police officer. A pastor berates his wife with such gems as, “Bitch, say no more,” “Cathy, go to hell,” and “Bitch, I don’t give a f**k.”
• The story is bad. I mean, like really mind-numbingly bad. It’s ludicrous, and it relies on a bunch of plot holes that are either poorly explained or not explained at all.

So, given all of that, my overall feeling on Trapped in the Closet should be pretty obvious, right?

Wrong.

I love this DVD. I bought it myself shortly after watching it for the first time, and I’ve watched it several times since then. R. Kelly has achieved something special here. Somehow, in combining all of the elements I listed above, he’s reached sublime depths of terribleness that haven’t yet been probed by artists in any era. Though every element of the thing is really bad, it’s somehow very watchable.

In the final reckoning, I have to give Trapped in the Closet four solid stars as a comedy. It’s been a long time since I’ve gotten such a good, deep laugh out of anything new, and Kells certainly filled that bill for me with this one. As a drama, I’d give it negative stars if I could. Since I can’t, it’s a solid zero. My thought on the whole thing is this: If Kells intended for Trapped in the Closet to turn out as it has, then it’s terrible. If somehow he intended it as simultaneous sarcastic commentary on the ridiculous state of soap operas, hip hop music, relationships, and entertainment, then there’s no other word for it than “genius.” But regardless of its author’s intentions, for personal enjoyment, I give it a solid four stars.

Comedy: * * * *
Drama: 0
Overall: * * * *

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